


(I Must Be a Proctologist Because) All I Do is Deal with Assholes

by AllDaveKat



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Coming Untouched, Doctor/Patient, Embarrassment, Forced Orgasm (Accidental), Improvised Sex Toys, M/M, Masturbation, Medical Procedures
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-25
Updated: 2020-04-25
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:00:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23830477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AllDaveKat/pseuds/AllDaveKat
Summary: Dave gets a cucumber stuck in his asshole and Karkat's the doctor who has to remove it.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 31
Kudos: 181
Collections: April 2020 - Titles I'll Never Use





	(I Must Be a Proctologist Because) All I Do is Deal with Assholes

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the [April 2020 Theme Event - "Titles I'll Never Use"](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/April2020_TitlesIllNeverUse) on the [Homestuck Writer Gang Gang](https://discord.gg/tmtGNqe) discord server.

Your name is Dave Strider and you’re currently checking in at your local walk-in clinic because you have half a cucumber stuck in your ass.

Record scratch. You’re probably wondering how this happened.

You’ve never been a particularly kinky guy. You don’t own any sex toys, ropes or chains or whatever. When you get horny, you just open up one of your many apps and find a guy or girl to hook up with. And if nobody’s available, you do it yourself. If you’re being honest you usually top in your hookups, so normally your left hand is all you really need.

For some reason though, this whole week you’ve been wanting to get good and railed up the ass. Unfortunately, you haven’t been able to get anyone to meet up with you to commit said railing.

What’s a guy to do, except find something around the house he can improvise into a dildo? Cue you pulling a thick cool cucumber out of the fridge, slapping a condom on that bad boy, lubing it up and going to town.

It felt _great_ , actually, you were bent over on your bed ramming it against your prostate over and over, moaning and biting the sheets. _'Why does anyone bother spending money on sex toys, when the produce aisle is so much cheaper and easier?'_ you’d thought, gleefully fucking yourself with the vegetable. But as you started getting close to your orgasm, you got a little too enthusiastic and-- _crack_ \-- the cucumber snapped in half, leaving you with no way to pull it out.

You didn’t panic at first, you figured you could just pull it out with your fingers, but your efforts only got it stuck farther inside you. Next you went to the toilet to try and dislodge it like it was a particularly ornery bowel movement, but your asshole just wasn’t cooperating. Finally you went on google and were told in no uncertain terms that you should suck up your pride and just go to the fucking doctor.

So here you are. Shifting uncomfortably in place as you stand in the waiting room to see Doctor Vantas. You’re all the more uncomfortable due to your erection which _still_ hasn’t died down, god dammit. You’re pretty sure that having a cucumber rubbing against your prostate whenever you move isn’t helping the situation.

-

Your name is Dr. Karkat Vantas, M.D., and you've had a long fucking day.

One of your nurses was a no-call no-show for the second time this month, and you’re definitely gonna have to fire them, which you're dreading. You’ve had several different patients today who just smelled fucking _disgusting_ like they hadn’t showered in a month. And now you’re checking in your next patient and it’s some fucking idiot who has a cucumber lodged up his asshole. Jesus H. Christ.

You grumble to yourself as you make your way to the exam room and knock on the door.

“Uh, come on in?”

You push the door open to see a lanky blond guy standing in the middle of the room. He’s dressed down to a medical apron on his lower half, but he still has his sunglasses and shirt on. His cheeks are flushed and oh, that’s definitely an erect penis he’s got under his apron. Wow.

You clear your throat.

“Hi Dave, I’m Dr. Vantas,” you introduce yourself, pointedly not looking at his boner. “It sounds like you’ve got--” you check your chart, “half a cucumber lodged in your rectal cavity.”

The guy nods and winces visibly.

You pull on your gloves. “Alright, I’m gonna need you to get up on the table on your hands and knees so I can take a look.”

He flushes darker but complies. You turn around to give him privacy, and the paper crinkles under his hands and knees as he positions himself.

“Heh, usually when a guy asks me to get on my hands and knees it’s for something else, if you know what I mean,” Dave jokes.

You turn back around and are momentarily struck dumb by the sight of his erect cock hanging between his legs. You almost _drool_. Jesus. No. No no no. You’re a professional. You’re not gonna think about the fact that this guy is one _hundred_ percent your type, and how you haven’t gotten laid in like eight months because of your crazy work schedule, and-- nope. Just, not thinking about any of that.

You spread his cheeks open, and yeah, he’s definitely got a cucumber in there. Not that you expected anything different, but. It’s just not something you see everyday. The rim of his asshole has tightened a little, sealing the cucumber inside, but you can still see quite a bit of it, and it’s... large.

“Alright, yeah, that’s pretty far up in there. I think it’s our best bet to just try and get it out with forceps. Brace yourself, this isn’t gonna be comfortable,” you warn him.

It takes a few minutes, but you finally get the forceps snugly around the cucumber and you’re reasonably sure it’s not just going to break in half if you start pulling. You tug at it experimentally. It slides out about half an inch, and at the same moment Dave lets out a _very_ loud moan.

You freeze, and your dick twitches in your pants. Fuck.

“Shit, sorry--” he blurts. “Automatic response, can’t help it, fuck, I’ll try to be quiet, please just-- keep going.”

“It’s okay,” you manage. You’re sure your face is an incriminating shade of red right now. Thank god he can’t see you. “Tell me if anything hurts.”

Slowly, over several _painfully_ long minutes, you extract most of the cucumber from Dave’s asshole. The whole time you can hear him struggling to hold in his moans and whimpers and all the sounds go straight to your dick. You swear you’re not normally this… _affected_ by your patients, but something about Dave is just pushing all your goddamn buttons. You blame it on being off your game already today. And on Dave being hot as fuck. No, shut up!

When you’ve got the vegetable nearly all the way out, you start pulling and wiggling it more vigorously, trying to end this torment as soon as possible. It appears to be working, although it has the unfortunate side effect of making Dave’s little noises get louder. Man, he’s really fucking shaking right now-- wait--

Suddenly his whole body tenses up, he lets out his loudest moan yet, and you stare in horror as he fucking _cums_ all over your examination table.

“Oh god, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I tried not to-- fuck, I’m sorry,” he babbles, gasping, cum still dribbling out of his cock.

You have no fucking idea what to do right now, so you just silently keep tugging the stupid fucking cucumber out of his ass. Finally you slide the last inch of it out and lay it on your equipment tray. It’s got a condom wrapped around it, and you think hysterically that at least he was practicing safe sex.

You look at him. He’s still on all fours, his asshole gaping at you, a puddle of cum under him. Your cock _throbs_.

“I’ll leave and let you get dressed again,” you say tightly.

Your eyes are wide as you step into the hallway. Holy shit. You send your nurse in to give Dave the after-care instructions because you just can’t fucking face him again, professionalism be damned.

-

Your name is Dave Strider and you just had the best, weirdest orgasm of your fucking _life_ with the hottest doctor you’ve ever goddamn seen.

Your only coherent thought as you leave the clinic is that you need to find something new to shove in your asshole tomorrow. You _have_ to do this again.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm @alldavekat on [twitter](https://twitter.com/alldavekat) and [tumblr](https://alldavekat.tumblr.com)
> 
> my [homestuck rp discord server](https://discord.gg/Zmq9B9R) (18+)


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